Alone

topic posted Mon, May 30, 2005 - 9:31 AM by  Unsubscribed
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Alone
perched across
from me squatting

I lay on my bed
twisting tangled hair
(drooling at practical fantasies:
eating breakfast naked
with some stimulated cuddler
pancake syrup sticking
licking from the behinds of ears)

sigh.
maybe the new neighbor's
bulgy triceps and soft
step wanna
take a mountain drive to park
by the the rope swing
hovering over the Madison
River, hurl into glacier runoff
and frictionate eachother’s
hands on twining legs on
mouths on slippery
iced chest grasping
for heat, as heat.

Alone banged her bursting
fists against hardened chest
chanting ugh ugh
don’t you DARE
said alone (ugh ugh)
who will sit and watch you
salivate crustily
over something you've put
frills on simply because
it's not wrapped
achingly slave-ishly
around your ring finger
who will shade your eyes
when the glancing moment into Lovers'
lashes shows two daughters
(one blonde, one brunette
two and five ,one has a burning
scuff on her left knee
crying ‘daddy daddy’
Lover cups little Gloria and
you are sappily greatful as
meadow larks chirp chipperly
in the Perfect Spring seventy degrees)

who will stop Lover from lashing
whining envying annoying
in your moments away
(hurling words onto paper
for the safety of all.
if you didn’t, you would be
surely imprisoned for
attempted or successful
murderous pissiness) ?

i will. i said to the gorilla eating my
popcorn psyche, a spectator of ache,
clapping at each nonreached goal

i will. i barked.
now here. eat your breakfast outside today.
I have company.

ugh. said Alone.
i fear Im gonna have to
move out soon. grrr.
she waddled outside
pouting

well, how about you come visit
every once in a while, i affectionately
chimed

hmmm maybe
said Alone
eyeballing a peculiar
young lass
tears on tissues walking
sighing
for she and Lover had just
decided to take some
space
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  • Re: Alone

    Tue, May 31, 2005 - 10:10 AM
    i like the idea of personifying lonliness.

    but i feel like to make it successful as a poem would require more abstraction, less direct approach. its sort of a cute story as a story but i think you want it to be more than cute. and i think that would be possible if you treated "alone" less directly, leaving more mystery to it, making it more ghost like, or part of the manifestation of (temporary) mental illness brought on by despair which is being healed in the poem.
    • Unsu...
       

      Re: Alone

      Tue, May 31, 2005 - 10:44 AM
      Arize, thank you for your comments. You give a great critique and I checked out your blog, youre a talented writer, too. Here's a new revision of that same piece:

      Alone
      squats on my
      dining table
      blank.
      offers to listen
      when I hit an A flat

      while im wiping white
      crusted casserole dish
      after bread
      and beef
      with no butter
      no salt


      sigh.
      maybe the new neighbor's
      bulgy triceps and soft
      step wanna…
      take a mountain drive
      park by the rope swing
      hurl into glacier runoff
      and frictionate eachother’s
      hands on twining legs on
      mouths on slippery
      iced chest grasping
      for heat, as heat.

      (I lift receiver, ring ring)

      Alone grunts
      ugh ugh not AGAIN
      and stomps a tantrum
      into the thick
      hard oak
      closet.




      • Re: Alone

        Tue, May 31, 2005 - 9:13 PM
        thanks. i take writing seriously but i don't feel like a serious writer, know what i mean? my blogs are just blogs to me. im flattered. :)

        i like the revision much better! i like that the end has less "end" in it.

        i kinda wanna take out "sigh" in the third verse. and the other - whats the word for words that are sounds? the "ring ring" and the "ugh ugh". maybe just me but they feel distracting somehow.

        infact in the end there im tempted to want to remove the whole line "ugh ugh not again"

        i especially like this part:
        hurl into glacier runoff
        and frictionate eachother’s
        hands on twining legs on
        mouths on slippery
        iced chest grasping
        for heat, as heat.

        it has a nice pace

        for sure this is a much stronger poem than the first.
        and you worked it fast. im envious. takes me forever!

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