i kinda lurk here cause i haven't written much lately.
the ......'s are cause of tribe's inability to put spaces or tabs in the text. try to pretend they are invisible. (yeah right!) :)
desert in my water
that yellow heat of his sand
......dry grit
......mirage
ancient history ripples up his cliffs,
......his eroding mountains
................(once there were great sea beds here)
comforts only a few cacti
......and lizards
..........(I have always loved lizards
......................lean & strong
......................slither
............................stealth
....................................wisdom)
that black heat of his lava beds
......fierce sun, big island
time almost frozen
......in waves of the earth born again
dry stone pouring
................so slowly
......................into ocean
......where finally
he
might
rest
......................desert..........in my water
the ......'s are cause of tribe's inability to put spaces or tabs in the text. try to pretend they are invisible. (yeah right!) :)
desert in my water
that yellow heat of his sand
......dry grit
......mirage
ancient history ripples up his cliffs,
......his eroding mountains
................(once there were great sea beds here)
comforts only a few cacti
......and lizards
..........(I have always loved lizards
......................lean & strong
......................slither
............................stealth
....................................wisdom)
that black heat of his lava beds
......fierce sun, big island
time almost frozen
......in waves of the earth born again
dry stone pouring
................so slowly
......................into ocean
......where finally
he
might
rest
......................desert..........in my water
posted by:
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SF Bay Area
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Re: finally wrote something
Sun, May 29, 2005 - 11:35 PMarize,
I love the “he” of the desert that you create.
I almost wonder if you even need to include “desert” in the last line… the elipse of it may just allow the reader to feel the enormity of all the images that you created from its unamable essence.
but it's just an "almost wonder," I really love it. -
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Re: finally wrote something
Tue, May 31, 2005 - 10:03 AMthank you.
i see what you mean about the last line. something feels not right about it to me too. tho i keep on feeling its some how stronger content wise to keep it.
i wrote this at the falling in love stages of a relationship i ended last week. im returning to it i guess as like the out-process or something. so the he and the desert are actually my lover.
i like hearing that there is enough objectivity in it for it not to necessarily sound like a love poem. those are my favorite love poems. :)
what is bugging me is rhythm. i have some changes in the making. more later.
thanks for your comments! -
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Re: finally wrote something
Tue, May 31, 2005 - 9:05 PMNow that I know the poem's about your ex, I strongly encourage you to cut the "desert" from the last line and allow the reader to feel the ambiguous nature from the personification of the desert, and the "love" aspect will be even more subtle.
but then again, i'm a subtle junkie..aka. aloof. -
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Re: finally wrote something
Tue, May 31, 2005 - 9:41 PMhmmm. ok. im gonna print it out that way and see how i feel. i see what you mean. i see what you mean.
there are other changes too. i'll post them soon....
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